Thursday, September 28, 2006

Nigeria Tel Rip Off - the conclusion....

I told you all about how a fonecard seller sold DUD fone cards to me at Brixton and promised I was going to harrass him. Well, I love my life and so exercised my right to change my mind. I did not go anymore!! Especially when I heard this news on the box the next day. Life is too short. Call me a coward if u like but if anything happens to me or I I die trying, what will I tell God in heaven? That I went to get £9 worth of phonecards from a hussler in Brixton and died in the process? Abasi Mbok Kan Idiok Mkpo!!
So those of you who have been waiting eagerly to hear the 'gist' about the harrasment, hmmnnn - I can conveniently say that I was on my way to the fone stall and the police turned me back due to ongoing investigations following the shooting in the McDonalds restaurant in Brixton!!! LOL!!

But this Gun Crime thing is a really serious issue that escalates daily. Radical action has to be taken about Gun Crime by the authorities!! Shooting inside McDonalds!! In full view of little kids and their parents who went there for a happy meal!! Sources say the gunman in the McDonalds shooting was black and about 6ft tall. Most likely another teenager. How do they get these guns? The kids in this country have gotten too much of a lee way from the government and their policies - You cant smack a child, bla bla bla.

Take the case of the
Nursey owner who was showing council workers round her daycare and a toddler misbehaved. She led the child to the naughty seat and asked her to stay there. The council workers decided to prosecute her for smacking the child or rather in their own words - 'tapping' or 'poking' the child with inappropraite force. Complete waste of time and tax payers money!!! Thats why kids these days are so spoilt and are misbehaving anyhow carrying guns and dealing drugs because the 'tapping' and 'poking' that our parents used to give us all in abundant measure during those good old days is no longer allowed in this country today.

Well, to each his own.........

NIGERIA TEL - Rip Off..........

I was at my friends place in South London over the weekend. She was having a small party for her husband so I went over to help her prepare some of those delicacies that we Calabar ladies are notoriously known for. Yes, you got it right - Afang Soup, loads of Edikang Ikong as well as other essential party ‘mede medes’. She lives on the other side of town so I took the Victoria line accross Zone 1 down to Brixton which was the nearest tube station to her home from where I would take a bus down to her crib.

Down in Brixton, I decided to buy some fonecards so I could call my folks back home. There was this guy who has a small stall 3 or 4 shops away from the station in front of a mobile fone shop from where he sells different varieties of Cards. Those of you in the UK know that the fonecard market is quite diverse – African Fonecards, European Fonecards, Asian Fonecards amongst others. The African ones are numerous and include amongst others: Nigeria Tel, Call Mama, Home Talk, Planet Talk, African Talk, Easy Talk Africa, Uni Talk amongst others and new ones keep popping up daily!! A £5 card should give you about 30 minutes airtime to any Nigerian mobile and about 60 minutes to a Nigerian landline. Anyway, I bought ‘Nigeria Tel’ - 3 for £9 which was a good bargain, paid for the cards and stuffed them in my bag. The bus came along and I jumped on it. I have heard so many notorious and unpalatable stories about Brixton (Drugs, Stealing, Mugging, selling fake or stolen things at ridiculously cheap prices on the streets and all what not) and treated each male with suspicion just in case they decided to make me a ‘victim’. (My apologies to those of you who live or hang out in Brixton but they say anything is possible in Brixton and certainly there is no smoke without fire?)

We prepared all the ‘orishirishi’ for the ‘DO’ and received nice compliments from their guests who said our food was scrumptious. It was just this evening that I whipped out my cards as it was time to call the folks back home. Ok, I brought out my fonecards, scratched it and proceeded to dial the Access Numbers at the back of the card. Infact, the speed & furore I used to scratch that card, if it had been an MTN card, the pin number would have been erased completely. LOL!! those of u who have at one time or the other bought and scratched MTN cards know what I'm talking about! If you dont scratch MTN cards delicately, you will scratch out the pin numbers as well and the visibility of the pin numbers will be seriously impaired!!
Back to my story........ Card scratched successfully, I can see the 12 digit pin number clearly.

The voice on the card prompts: ‘Please enter your 12 digit pin number’. I key in the pin number. Pin number entered and the next prompt I expected to hear was ‘You have £5 on your card, please enter the destination number you wish to dial’ .....

What I heard next baffled me. Infact, If I had not bought the card myself – brand new, unused or if I had not scratched it myself, I would have said maybe someone was playing tricks on me. But alas I bought the cards myself and today’s date isn’t April 1st either!!!

The voice prompt at the other end actually said:

“This card has been blocked due to non payment of monies due to Global Services Ltd. Please Contact Mr Kiniko kiniko of No. soso and so Street, Lewisham or call him on 0207******* or 077******** ”

I was shocked beyond words. Maybe I had not heard correctly or maybe I had even done something wrong and either dialled a wrong access number or entered a wrong pin. I tried again. Same Story!! YEAH!! Scratched the 2nd and 3rd cards furiously!! Or rather with amazement and wonder!! Situation still remains the same! This kind of situation has passed "The more U look the less U see!" Aaaaaaahh all the stories I have been hearing about Brixton!! Now it was my turn!! How can people be so dishonest? Even in London? Were the cards stolen or what? Did the service provider not pay the required fees before he obtained the cards and started selling them? I am marching back to Brixton tomorrow to harass the life out of that man!! Its been some days since I bought those cards and I’m not really expecting him to admit that he sold them to me cos I am not even his regular customer and have no business with the place at all - it was merely a point of exit on that occassion!! These people cannot rip off honest & hard working customers off in broad daylight selling DUD fone cards and go scot free!!

Apart from that, I have sworn never to purchase anything in Brixton again.
Once bitten ...................

Monday, September 18, 2006

Tips on correct positioning for 'Number 2'

Has it ever occurred to any of you that you may not be performing the act of executing 'Number 2' in the right position? I am sure some will be wondering what positioning has to do with 'Number 2' when all you have to do is sit down and puuuuuuuussssssssssssshhhhh!!!!!!

Well, NHS Doc has come up with the correct position as proposed by our dear friend 'Tony' when doing your thing . He posits: "Is there any area of life that Tony Blair will not try to control?" I just used to sit down unconsciously and do my thing. Seems I may have to do some positioning reviews!

Have a look and confirm if you've been executing your 'number 2' in the right position!!!

Cherie Blair's Assault Probe

There has been a lot of furore in the press this weekend over Cherie Blair and a 'rabbit ears' incident at a sports event in Scotland. I couldnt believe my eyes and ears when I saw the news headlines. The headlines went:

" Cherie Blair questioned by dectectives",

"Cherie probed over 'slap' allegation"

The news channels and papers were awash with the pictures and videos of the 'incident' and I couldnt imagine why some 'concerned citizens' in the Child Protection in Sport Unit decided to lay a complaint with the Met. Apparently 17 year old Miles Grandolfi found himself standing next to Cherie Blair during a sports event and decided to signal 'rabbit ears' behind her back within full view of the pressmen and the entire world. Some 'idiot' in the Child Protection in Sport Unit fathomed Cherie's reaction wasnt appropraite and decided to lay a complaint.

I thought to myself - Did young Miles action signify good behaviour? Was it proper for a 17 year old to motion behind a lady who was not only a guest at the event but also happened to be the PM's wife as well as a county court judge and revered solicitor? The child protection 'idiot' did not complain about the appropraiteness of Miles behaviour but rather Cherie's good-natured reaction!! Talk about misplaced priorities!!

The Met as usual 'sprang' into action!! Not one, not two but SIX - yes, SIX dectectives were assigned to question Mrs Blair about the incident and conduct an investigation!! And they say the Police Dept is understaffed and overworked! Well, they would be if they persisted in investigating incidents such as this while the real criminals got away with their various crimes because officers are attending to matters such as this. Whatever happened to common sense?

I say this is another blatant waste of tax payers money as well as political correctness gone MAD!!!

Saturday, September 16, 2006

The Middle Wife

I remember when I became a teen my mum attempted to tell me about the facts of life. Hmmnnn!! Was she embarrased!! She really didnt say much other than I shouldnt get naked with any boys or let them touch me 'here' (pointing to my lower region) and that was it!! Did I laugh out laugh when she had gone!! Of course I knew the all about the facts of life. My passion for Mills & Boons, Barbara Cartland, and Pacesetters novels as well as the Intergrated Science lessons given in school had done justice to what I needed to know. She need not have bothered!!!
Parents today are still embarrassed about telling their children where 'babies come from'. But that is a necessary evil that must be braved. Kids can be so innocent sometimes and ask really probing questions. Transmogriflaw writes in his blog about a performance his colleague gave about the female reproductive system in their torts class. I came accross this story about where babies come from and it made me laugh so much I was in stitches!! The little girls parents had a vivid imagination and did a very good job with their story about 'where babies come from'. Couldnt resist sharing it with you all.


I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'
Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh! Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man." "They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."
Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe.'" "They started counting, but never even got past ten." "Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's play-center! , so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.You have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone to spread the laughs.

'Aje Butter' & 'Pako' Kids

Kids can be so much fun sometimes. They can be witty, intelligent, naughty, lovable - so many qualities all in one little frame. Some of them can ask the most cunning and piercing innocent questions that you cant help but laugh at their attempts before giving them an appropraite answer. I remember my lecturer at school cracking a joke about how you could differentiate between 'Ajea Butter' and ' Pako' kids. The former being kids brought by high income earning parents and the latter being kids with low income earning parents. He alluded that the difference could be pointed out from the way they begged for confectionaries or things generally. He positited that Aje Butter kids practice what is known as 'CREATIVE BEGGING'. Lets say you have some cake and the kids are interested, This would be their different begging styles and how they would ask:

AJE BUTTER KID: Aunty, What are you eating? Is it sweet?
PAKO KID: Aunty, What are you eating? Give me some!

The Aje Butter kid beats around the bush while the Pako kid hits the nail bang on the head!!
It was hilarious to me at the time!! But thinking about it, was certainly very true!
My friends' Aje Butter kids beat around the bush too when asking for the remnants of their little brother's baby food. The conversation goes thus:

FRIEND'S KID: Mummy, What is Baby eating? Will he finish it?

Of course if baby dosent finish it, they (the elder ones) will very much be on hand to help baby out with consuming the remnants of his food.

I have also been at the reciving end of probing questions from my friend's little son who is 6yrs old. They came on holidays and we all went out for a chinese dinner. It was a buffet and mummy put more food than he could finish on his plate. I hate seeing food waste and while we were waiting for the bill, I started to pick from and eat the leftovers on his plate. He tuned and stared at his plate, then at me before asking:

"Aunty, Is that food on your plate?"

We all burst out laughing at the table. I guess that was his way of saying as politely as he could, 'Aunty why are you eating my food?' So Aunty had to ask politely: 'David' Can I please have some of your noodles? Then he nodded his head with delight and said yes!!


Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Suri Cruise

At loooooonng last!!!!!
Tom and Katie's baby finally unveiled to the entire universe shutting the cynical mouths and lips of the press and paparazzi!
I beheld pictures of dark beauty SURI CRUISE in this month's vanity fair and I went Awwwwwwwwwww!!!!! She is so so cute!!! So Gorgeous!! Drop Dead Gorgeous if I add. I must say that she really is adorable. Looking into her adorable face makes me so broody! (smile)
Her parents must be cooing and gagaing with adoration and pride.
I must appeal to the press and the paparazzi to cut Katie and Tom some slack! First of all was the rumour that Baby Suri didnt exist. She has now been revealed to the entire world and another rumour comes up - She isnt really their baby (Oh yeah? Was that a pregnancy suit Katie was wearing all those long months of gestation?) They posit that Baby Suri is really an Asian baby and also insinuate that that lovely, beautiful, jet black mane of hair isnt really Suri's but that a 'baby toupee' was used by Katie and Tom during the photo shoot. Yeah right!! Whatever!!
Katie and Tom like the rest of us humans in the universe deserve some privacy and peace to bring up their daughter and any other children they may be blessed with in future. Please pressmen and women - DO GIVE THEM A BREAK!!!!!

Monday, September 11, 2006

Summer School for Men

I came accross this advert for a summer school for men and I said to myself that I must simple share this with my blogging pals. The prospectus speaks for itself - RES IPSA LOQUITOR!!! Fellow ladies out there, are your men guity of these 'sins' ? Please do hurry and enroll them for these clasees as they are ' hot' and available spaces are getting snapped up rapidly.

My man is a very good man in all respects but I'll heartily enroll him for Class 12 which is the only class he needs to enroll in. Infact, he is also heartily nominated for the position of 'Captain' of Class 12. Why do men feel that going shopping entails just heading into one shop say 'GAP' and doing all ur shopping there. Other shops have to be 'looked at' too. I agree that a man will do all his shopping in 20 - 30 minutes and we ladies will spend 7hours or more buying the same things that the men got from just one shop but thats why we're LADIES!!! (smile)

Anyway, here's the prospectus for any interested ladies out there......................



Class 1
How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor,
Walls and Nearby Bathtub? Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM. Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation Exercises, Prayer and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for the best chuckle of their day! Well, I just did!!! Ladies and all the homies out there - looking forward to hearing the testimonies from the Summer School................................... (chuckle, chuckle!!)

Sunday, September 10, 2006


Hello All!!!
I am so sorry my blog has been so inactive these past month. Apart from the fact that I just signed those dotted lines with my beau, my PC has been acting up and hasnt allowed me post any more than a few lines at a time as U all would have noticed from all my previous posts, that majority of them look half baked!! (smile) Its not me oh!! Its my PC. Trying hard to rectify the problem ASAP!! Until then, Thanks for remaining faithful to my blog.

I have received so many comments from my fellow bloggers asking why I did not have a blog. Having viewed my profile, they were met with a blank page when they tried to view my blog. Calabar Gal - my first blog was either cutting my posts into two (2) and publishing only one half or visitors were viewing a completely blank page when posts were published. I think I may have inadvertently or unknowingly deleted the entire blog when my PC was giving me problems and I was having difficulties in getting entire posts published.

So I have now created a new blog - CALABAR GAL2 !!

Thanks for your patience everyone!!!


Its that time of the year again!! No not just summer time, Its BIG BROTHER TIME!! Young, Hopeful and exuberant youths all squashed togeter in one house to make a happy viewing for the rest of us sofa rejects the rest of the summer.Its a common ground for striking up converstions with strangers; talking about housemates in the pub, on the trains, on the buses, on queues, anytime, anywhere, the whole nation has gone Big Brother crazy!!My favourite housemate award this year goes to the lovely and putulant NIKKI!!! I adore her and her antics!! The are pure mint!! Lets face it! I know some of you out there are not amused bu her tantrums, her hysterics, sobs, attention seeking strops et al!! But in my view, she is pure entertainment.For someone with such a small and tiny physique, she certainly does disclose and display an amazing vocabulary of words. Each time she gets into the diiary room, she is a pleasure to watch. I am in fits and giggles each time with her uninhibited use of dramatism, facial expressions, immaculate rollonig out of double barrell words, Nikki is indeed a force to reckon with. Lets face it: from suitcase gate, complaining abpout Dawn's B O (Body Odour) with Richard in the Diaryroom, Salmon gate with Grace, 'Absorbing' Ashlynne's words in the bathroom, she's unbelieveable!I would say that she gives Lauren - Catherine Tate's schoolgirl character a good run for her money!!

Credit Frustration

I had a most embarrasing day today!! My credit card company is trying to frustrate me! First of all, I am travelling to our dear motherland soon and decided to pay off my card debts so I could use the card to buy the tickets. At least, they will acknowledge my efforts and increase my credit limit abi? BIG MISTAKE!!

1. One week later, £1,000 was still not available to spend!! I get on the phone to their customer services department to complain once again. The explanation their Customer Service Adviser gave was that aparently the amount paid back was too large and as a precautionary measure to make sure that individuals dont launder money through their credit cards, any payment above £500 is put through the system kinko kiniko and thus it takes longer for the cheque to clear through the system. It thus takes about 8 - 10 days longer than a cheque with a smaller amount. He added that when next I was paying my credit card bills, I should try to pay in multiples of £500 or less as amounts higher than that takes longer to clear thus the long delay and untold embarrasment!! One thousand pounds a huge sum of money when politicians back home are dealing with "Ghana must go"? Hmmn, wonders will never end in this obodo oyibo!!

2. Ok, at last the amount clears after a loooooooong wait and I attempt to spend some of it!! It is my card afterall isnt it? Wrong again!! After buying travelcard to take us to Victoria, me and my friends couldnt get rail tickets we required as the transaction was not authorised. Shuoo!! When there is so much money on the card? See me see trouble oh!! We had to pay for our tickets with cash and proceed to Gatwick. How embarassing!!

3. Alright!! I get home and call my credit provider and they inform me: Oh its just a precautionary measure. Its ok now we've spoken to you. You are free to contnue using your card as normal!!

4. Went out that night with my pals. bought fuel £17. paid with the card. Was I succesful? Not at All!! Ok! This is one referral too many!!

This joke is getting stretched too far!! Which kind wahala be this now? You get penalised for not paying your bills and now I am being penalised for paying too much at one go and clearing the balance? Have any of you guys had the same problems with ur credit cards? LETS RIOT!!

My Sojourn into Blogland

Hello Everyone!!
I have decided to begin my sojourn into blogland after several arguments with my inner self.
I have been so enthralled by the internet that I could stay online all day long!! Never tiring!!
I literally become glued to the monitor from the minute I wake up till I get back to bed at about midnight. Surfing the Internet, Reading other blogs, asking myself, should I blog on my everyday life boldly or do so annonymously? You still get found out eventually cos someone somewhere will recognise one distinctive feature one way or the other. So Blogland here I come!!
My man complains that I sit on the Internet all day long. Literally, you could say from sunrise till sunset!! And berates me that if I put half the effort that goes into surfing the web on my research work, then I would be a very productive young lady indeed. (Did I mention that I have a dissertation due for submission in January?) I have picked up several novels during my academic sojourn and been so captivated by their contents that putting them down before I got to the last page was a definite no no. I cast a look at my reading table and the pile of books waiting there for me and wonder why they are not as captivating as the novels I've just finished reading.

Sometimes I wonder how can I sit here all day surfing the web I'm not making a living from and which others happen to be making a living from? I hear stories everyday about people making £3m and other vast sums yearly from surfing the internet out of boredom!! Abi dem get 7 heads? This is an appeal to all my brothers and sisters out there making a living from the internet. Abeg make una 'torchlight' me now? Wetin be the '911? (smile) All '419's and 'ODU' abeg make una keep una distance oh! I no get liver at all!! Infact, I travel!!

I cant wait for all this brohahaha about the World Cup to be over. I have become a football fan by force! When you choose to be around ur man and World Cup matches are being beamed at the same time as goings on in the Big Brother house, as long as he has absolute control of the TV remote and hugs it dearly, I just had to be interested in the 'going on' in Germany by force!!
I had my heart literally in my mouth during the England V Portugal Match!!
What is it with our boys and their lack lustre performances when it comes to penalties?
I shouted myself hoarse with dissapointment! Infact, if I had any powers to 'jazz' that portugese goalkeeper that day, I certainly would have do so but alas, bereft as I was of such powers, I could only watch helplessly as successive balls were punched away by the portugese keeper!!

Infact Erikson is a villian in my eyes right now!! Why take a player to Germany if you know you arent going to give him a second of the day to strut his stuff on the pitch? Yes!! I am talking about young, cool, cute, handsome, suave Theo Walcott!! Why was he not given a chance to show us what he's made of? Isnt that why he was picked as part of the squad in the first place? Scolari made good use of his substitution discretion and was making substitutions even up till the last minute! But no! Certainly not the England Coaching Squad!! The boys were picked to make up the number and warm the bench!! Imagine Melanie from down the road being made an instant Celebrity overnight infact, in the twinkle of an eye arising from the fact that her man - Theo was called up to England's World Cup Team!! She never even got to see him play!!

As for the England WAGS, I shall leave that story for another day!!